*** A year later, and I finally got this all out! I started this months ago, and started piecing it together slowly. Seems fitting for my first post after two years. lol***

It’s about 9 in the morning as I type this, and I just put Declan down for a nap. Weary from the earlier than normal wake-up from him, I had planned to take a quick nap. But instead, I hopped onto Instagram and saw a photographer I followed posted her birth story. From what I gathered, it sounded very similar to mine, so I was eager to read it. As I took in her words, from the long labor, desire for natural birth yet ended in a c-section, and emotions about it all, it mirrored mine so much, and I cried. It was in that moment, that I felt ready to share. It was time for me to write this out, to put it out in the world, for my own healing, and perhaps someone else’s.

My first inklings that the little man was coming into this world was over the weekend, just before we were expecting him. There were some bodily changes happening, so I was mentally preparing. Over the last 12 weeks or so, I had been studying a hypnobirthing course, to prepare for the pain since I was planning on having a natural birth in a water tub, and specifically chose a hospital that provided that (I actually wanted a home birth, however, but this was a compromise since it was our first child). We were ready to meet him.

On late Sunday/early Monday morning, just before 2am, I sent Zach a text (who was in the other room, lol), stating: “Gromit keeps whimpering and I have no idea why.” about 10 mins later, I felt my first contraction.

I prepped myself by listening to my hypnosis tracks while Zach called the hospital. They told us we had to wait until my water broke or when my contractions were closer together, because at the moment, they were about 10 mins apart. I labored about a day doing this. I vaguely remember not being able to do much that day, I can’t even remember if I ate. I could barely rest, as the minute I would fall asleep, the contractions would wake me right up and I would go into a spiral of anxiety trying to manage the pain. I will say that the hypnobirthing really helped me mentally deal with the pain when I was focused, but more than anything, I probably needed to move more. Problem was, I was totally scared. We tried making laps on our side of the block, which actually did speed up the contractions, but the pain was so intense that it scared me and I didn’t want to keep going.

At some point early morning Tuesday, as I was sitting on the birthing ball, my water broke. Looking down, I saw the trickle of liquid, which was tinged with brown. “Oh no,” I thought. It was meconium, aka poop in the womb.

We rushed over to the hospital (very uncomfortably for me), where they hooked me up to monitors and tested the baby’s vitals. Everything looked good with the baby, but the moment the nurse looked at my blood pressure print out, she grabbed it and rushed right out of the room. I remember that moment thinking – “That’s not good.” As it turned out, my blood pressure was through the roof, and after some testing, I tested positive for severe preeclampsia. For those who don’t know, it’s pregnancy induced hypertension. Because of this, they had to IV me with magnesium sulfate, so I wouldn’t have a stroke or seizure. To say that was scary would be an understatement. At the time I was surprinsgly calm about it – I was either just calm from the hypnobabies tracks or I just resigned myself to what was going on. Needless to say, because of this, I could no longer do the water birth with a midwife that I had wanted, and was switched to OB care.

They had decided to give me pitocin to speed up my labor progress because my contractions were still irregular and too far apart. If I remember correctly I was only dilated to about 5cm at that point. Over the next 24 hours, I labored and labored, and in case I would have to go into surgery, they did not allow me water or food. I felt like that was a really bad mistake — how was I supposed to gain energy to push this baby out of me? It also went against everything I had been taught – advocating for food, not getting induced, etc etc. How are you supposed to go against what they’re saying though, especially if it’s medically necessary, or so it seems? They kept telling me I could still do it naturally though, so I went with it. They also prodded me with various more sensors to test my contractions better, since they were so irregular and long (they were about 2 mins in length, when they are normally 30seconds-1min).

Throughout the process, I remember my body SHAKING. They told me this was normal, but it didn’t feel normal at all.

On Thursday morning, the OB sat down with me and gave me a talk – basically – you can keep trying, we’re giving you until this evening and then we’ll do a c-section. Or – I could just do a c-section right then. They also suggested that I get an epidural – at this point, it was almost like, well why the hell not – to help with the pain so I could rest, and allow my body to do what it needs to, and hopefully progress further along. And if I did end up going into surgery, the epidural would help with anesthesia.

So at 11am, that’s what I ended up opting to do, and still try for a vaginal birth, but I think I knew deep down it was time for a c-section. I had been trying for 80+ hours unmedicated and I was exhausted. I had eaten nothing for a few days. I couldn’t drink water. I remember being so thirsty. I think they checked my cervix and I was only at 7-9 cm (I thought it was 7, Zach insists I was at 9). So they put the epidural in me, and it was crazy how dull the pain became after that. I immediately fell asleep and was asleep for a few hours. Not only that, I had begun to have a fever, a sign that I had an infection. My memory was a bit hazy for a lot of it, but after that they checked me again, and I had made no progress. I had stalled out, and it was time to wheel me into the OR.

Throughout this entire process, I had been listening to my Hypnobabies tracks in one ear while everything was going on – and while I did feel like it helped me manage the pain, I honestly felt a little let down. I had listened to all the tracks, done everything to the best of my ability – why wasn’t I doing the natural birth that I wanted? In a way, I think I thought I could control it somehow by being mindful of this, but at the same time, I also went with everything pretty well, I felt like. I never truly felt scared throughout the process, and I’m not sure if it was the tracks or just the hormones coursing through me at that point.

After entering the OR, I vaguely remember staring up at the lights on the operating table, the hustle of everyone around me. Zach joining me, dressed in scrubs, and holding my hand. We were about to embark on getting our son into this world.

They tested me to see how numb I was, and began cutting me open. It was all really fast, speed is of the essence in c-sections. At one point, I felt my whole body being lifted off the table a few times, as they tried to pull Declan out of me. The first thing the OB says when she pulls him out was “He’s giving me a very grumpy expression!” and then, “He’s a big boy!” They then brought him over to the testing table, and he began to cry. In that moment I thought it was the sweetest sound in the world.

Zach shuffled over to where he was, and proceeded to cut the cord. I think they had brought him over to me, but it was so fast, because in the next moment, they rushed him away to make sure his lungs were okay from the meconium.

After I was patched back up, I was moved back to the labor room, and then transferred to the post partum rooms. For the next 16 hours or so, I couldn’t see him. I was still recovering, and they had to make sure he was okay. He was hooked up on tubes, and so was I. We both had a million of them coming out of us. I remember not being able to move because of the anesthesia, and I still had a catheter attached to me. I was bedridden for a day and a half it felt like. The next day, Friday, in the early afternoon, they wheeled my bed into the nursery where he was, and allowed me to have some skin to skin with my son. The whole experience was surreal, I wasn’t sure who this tiny human was that I was holding onto, and I didn’t really feel like a “mom” but over time we began to get to know one another.

I believe it was that evening when the pediatrician gave the green light for him to be released to our room. Zach grabbed the nursery bassinet and when I asked where he was going, he said “I’m going to get our son.” To which I said “That sounds so WEIRD!!” It was a surreal thought – after almost 17 years together, we now had a child.

They next few days were a blur or days and nights. I slept in 2ish hour increments, and nurses came in and out, tested my blood pressure, gave pain medication, among other things I was taking.

On Sunday, after 4 days of labor, and 3 days of postpartum, and almost a week at the hospital total, we went home. At that point, I liked saying that it felt like we went through a portal to a parallel dimension and came out with a son.

**** Post Partum

Since it’s been a year since I gave birth, looking back, the postpartum experience has been a rollercoaster. The first few weeks were intense and yet a huge blur. The night we brought him home, I remember feeling intense anxiety, and fear. I remember putting Declan down in the bassinet, and then hoping he’d sleep, because I desperately needed it. I remember waking up that morning, surprised I slept, and wondering if he was still alive. The anxiety was real. That afternoon, I made a comment about some spots in my vision, to which Zach said, “We need to go to the hospital.” We went to the ER that evening, and after some testing, it turns out the preeclampsia/hypertension had come back postpartum. Right after that, I developed a rash/hives that spread over my entire body. I joked during that period that my body HATED having a baby, and my hormones were alllll out of wack.

Being a photographer, I thought I would take more photos, but I couldn’t do anything more than an iphone shot most of the time, which felt disappointing to me. It was so easy to compare myself to all the other moms who seem to have been able to do so postpartum, but I also had to remind myself they weren’t in 4 days of labor with some serious issues along the way, so I had to give myself a lot of grace and compassion.

Over the next few months, and the next year, really, I navigated things. I learned my weaknesses, and got reacquainted with my strengths. I had to deal with my emotions about everything. I was sad & disappointed that I didn’t get the birth story I wanted. Relationships with everyone around me changed, and needed navigation as well. I saw family, friends & the whole mama community come around me, and surround me with love, meals and a listening ear those first few weeks. To which I am eternally grateful for. I honestly don’t know what I would have done without you guys.

Without a doubt, I had postpartum anxiety as well. Maybe I still do, I just started seeing a therapist for everything that happened in the last year. I share this mostly because of one thing that was glaring to me was how wholly unprepared I was for postpartum. And it wasn’t just me, after talking with other moms, it seemed to be a common thing. Many of my feelings & thoughts were so common, but no one ever talked about it.

Because of that, I wanted to share my experience, and what I’m still experiencing now. I worry that it’ll make me look weak, that I can’t handle the juggle of being a mom (or being a mom who is self employed, but that is a whole ‘nother thing!), but really, it’s just HARD. So if you just had a baby — you are not alone. Being a mom is hard. It can be incredibly isolating and it’ll test you in insane ways that you never would have anticipated. And if you were like me, you probably said while you were pregnant “I’ll figure it out! I know what I’m capable of” – ohhh boy. There are so many unforeseen factors, like hormones, how labor will go, among all the many other things you don’t yet know. I never anticipated the amount of anxiety I would feel day in and day out. The days felt endless, and I would fixate on the smallest thing because of anxiety. Most of the time it was breastfeeding (is he getting enough?), any sort of crying, and his sleep. All worries that I never thought I would freak out about, but I found myself wholeheartedly (to the bewilderment of Zach) — freaking out about. The mom guilt is real, and my anxiety shot through the roof like I had never experienced it before – especially considering how laid back I felt most of the time. I couldn’t explain WHY I was freaking out about certain things, but I was. And after talking with other mamas, this is very common.

Postpartum gobsmacked me. I hope I’m not scaring any pregnant women, but I’m just trying to be real. And after talking with many other moms, many others share the same experience. It’s just that hard. And when I posted about it on social media, I received a flood of comments, messages & texts from other mamas. If you’re in the thick of it, you totally got this. I hated this phrase, but it rings so true — it’ll get better.

In the end, I am grateful. For all the things I’ve learned, as this last year was the longest year of my life! There were a lot of ups and downs, but it provided immense growth. It not only showed me what I needed to work on, but how to be a better person, and how to be the mom I want to be. Not only that, but we have the cutest little nugget that brings joy and sunshine everyday, and that is something that is that was worth all the crazy the last year provided. <3

Maternity photos by Let’s Frolic Together

Birth photos by Mariea Rummel

sacramento, california

What’s really cool about the current art scene in Sacramento is the bloom of interesting events like Art Hotel that came about two years ago. The concept was take an abandoned building that was set to be demolished (in this instance, it was an old apartment building), and allow artists to decorate each room as their hearts desire. What came from it was a maze of interesting and magical tucked away spaces, that transformed you to the artist’s world, and brought new delights to your senses. It was intensely refreshing, and I’m loving how the Sacramento art scene is developing, since moving back.

If I had a list of all the artists, I would credit them in their pieces below. If you know it, please let me know.

Originally photographed for City Scout Magazine.

There’s almost nothing else that shows the passage of time more than going back to the place you once lived. The old haunts you once went to — still there, but different. The new places that have shot up like weeds in spaces that you didn’t realize existed, or spaces that formerly housed a favorite place. The wonderful thing is that nature changes slowly, at least in Southern California, so there is always the beach and the ocean. That, will always feel familiar.

Last November, I packed my bags and jetted down to my old place of residence, San Diego, for a week to shoot a wedding, and in the process decided to visit some old and new places while I was there. Catching up with old friends, usually over a hearty meal or a drink, enjoying company, and lots of sun. Because of the nature of the trip, this is by no means a comprehensive guide, but more of an outline of some of my favorite places, and places I went to for the first time.

I also added photos from a previous trip as well, taken on film, to round out the entire post as well. :)

From Sacramento, it’s only a 1.5 hour flight into San Diego, from gate to gate. You know you’ve entered Southern California once the mountains surrounding the Grapevine would come into view. Not long after you’ll see LA, and then San Diego. When you land, keep an eye out for Balboa Park and the Spanish style architecture in the park zooming by!

The area I stayed in was close to North Park (which is north of Balboa Park and not far from downtown), so I made many trips into the neighborhood and surrounding areas while I was there. One place that I finally got to check out in person after following them on IG for years was Aloha Beach Club. That rug/wall hanging has been on my wish list for years now.

After perusing the shop, I got the chance to check out City Taco (yum), which I have never been to before now. When going to a new place, and I have a hard time deciding what to eat, I usually ask what’s the most popular dishes and go from there. Their menu has since changed, but I believe I had the Chorizo, Especial (shrimp), and Puerco Agridulce (pork tenderloin). They were all amazing but I think my favorite went to the Especial!

Park House Eatery, a charming house-turned restaurant, where I got the chance to catch up with my dear friend Jasmine (who took the photos of me). Chilling on their patio, with an egg omlet and bloody mary? Perf.

Another place that filled the tummy and was so fun to boot? Neighborhood, which is located in Downtown San Diego. I’m pretty sure I had my first sour beer here (The Dutchess of course), and it was love at first sip. The best part about it? It has a speakeasy!

Not far from Neighborhood is another favorite too, Cafe Chloe, which has all the French charm. Their affogato is just yum.

Another favorite that I love is Polite Provisions with Soda & Swine connected next door.

Grab a bite at Soda & Swine, and head over next door to Polite Provisions to enjoy the charming decor and excellent cocktails. It looks completely old, but they redesigned this from the ground up, which is totally impressive!

And if you’re anything like me, there’s nothing like getting the vibe of a town by hanging out at coffee shops (plus you can get some work done). Plus points if it’s super pretty to sit and sip a coffee in!

Two that I visited in the North Park area – Coffee & Tea Collective (another place I’ve been following forever on IG) and Holsem Coffee. My favorite? C&T wins with coffee & simplicity of decor (and the fact that I got to spend time with an old friend there too, and her freaking adorable son)! Although Holsem, shown below, was gorgeous in its own right. Those gold pendants and marble detail just get to me!

Holsem above, and C&T below

We can’t have a mini guide and leave out shopping, and my most favorite shop of all, Pigment. I pretty much make it a point to stop here when visiting San Diego now. There is no end to the cute and style and air plants at this place, and I could pretty much just live here. I didn’t take many photos of the inside, but I could pretty much buy the entire place!

Another store that caught my heart was m a v e n, located in South Park. Minimalist design for the win.

Verbatim Books was also a really cute stop to peruse in as well! Book shops always get to me. I loved all the possibilities and worlds that you could dive into with a book.

After soaking up all the urban cool of the North Park area, spending time in the sleepy, beach town of Encinitas was next up for me. This area certainly had the most special place in my heart, seeing as this is where we resided for 5 years of our 10 year San Diego stint. About a 20-30 min drive from North Park, Encinitas houses a charming downtown sign (almost all San Diego County neighborhoods/towns have one), nestled next to La Paloma, one of the oldest theaters and the first in the West Coast to have the “talkies” as it was called back then!

After soaking up a bit of sun in the neighborhood, hitting up Raul‘s and their carne asada burritos while catching up with a friend was first on my list. It’s also a super short walk to the beach, so you could easily grab a burrito for a beach picnic!

Another local favorite haunt, one we used to go to pretty much everyday, was Lofty Coffee. Oh, I miss their long blacks! The funny thing about Lofty is that there are two locations, directly across from each other on the 101. I remember before Lofty showed up, I thought that Encinitas was missing a *good* coffee place. And I knew it would be a huge hit once one popped up. (I would have totally done it myself, but I know zilch about roasting coffee! lol). Enter Lofty, and they became so successful that they opened the second location and roastery across the street. They both totally have different vibes too. The original Lofty is smaller, more intimate and bustling, with more food options, and the roastery is far more chill, more open, and a good place to survey Encinitas from above.

After grabbing some coffee, I headed to the beach and watched the sunset at our old local beach, Stone Steps. We formerly lived two blocks from this beach and I miss it dearly! Although Moonlight Beach is not very far away and is also a worthy visit if you’re in the area, and don’t feel like walking up and down 100ft of stairs. (lol)

Rounding out the day was a must visit to Fish 101, which to me, is where the best cheap fish tacos and oysters in the area reside – especially during happy hour, which is $2.75 for a taco, and $1 for an oyster. Add $5 for a wine on tap or brown bag beer (or $4 Dos Equis) and you’ve got yourself a happy stomach.

If you’re one for surfing, and you want to go somewhere less crowded than Swamis, check out the other beaches along the Encinitas coast, like Moonlight, Grandview, D Street and Beacon’s (shown below).

Video included from Beacon’s!

Other places to stop in Encinitas that I didn’t get a chance to visit to this time around:

Pannikin Coffee & Tea is amazing if you love old world charm – this place is located in the old yellow train station, and is so cute! Their food and teas are great, but I would recommend going somewhere else if you’re hankering for coffee.

Priority Public House – good food, good craft cocktails, super instagrammable (that’s totally a word!)

Lou’s Records for all your new and used vinyl & cd’s needs.

Swami’s Cafe for your authentic beach food experience. Acai bowls a plenty here! After grabbing a bite to eat, be sure to walk across the street to Swami’s Beach, one of the most renowned surf spots in the world, to check out all the little people sitting in the ocean, trying to catch a wave.

Self Realization Center Gardens is a beautiful stroll on the cliff overlooking the water. Formerly the home (I think?) of the guy who popularized yoga in the US, quite a peaceful and beautiful spot to spend an hour in.

It’s no Pigment, but if you’re looking for some design-forward shopping, Grounded is your place to go! I could lounge around their mid-century replications all day.

Have some time and want to get your asana on? Yoga Bergamot was my favorite place to practice (the space it inhabits is amazzzing). Apparently they’re about to move, but I’m sure it’ll still be amazing because the instructors are so great!

If you get the chance, make your way down south a bit to Cardiff, where The Cardiff Kook resides, and is always donning a new attire! If you stop by anywhere, give Seaside Market a try for their Cardiff Crack (aka Burgandy Beef) sandwich! Mmm so good! Other favorite spots in the Cardiff area are VG Donuts and the Rancho Coastal Humane Society Thrift Shop. They’re in the same shopping center, so after an hour or two of thrifting (and I always find such good gems at this spot), I always grabbed a donut. They not only baked them fresh in the morning, but in the afternoon as well – 3-4pm was a sweet spot for freshly baked goodies! Also, just the drive down from downtown Encinitas to Cardiff is worth it I think, to see the ocean whipping by on your right. Classic So Cal.

 sacramento, california