*** A year later, and I finally got this all out! I started this months ago, and started piecing it together slowly. Seems fitting for my first post after two years. lol***

It’s about 9 in the morning as I type this, and I just put Declan down for a nap. Weary from the earlier than normal wake-up from him, I had planned to take a quick nap. But instead, I hopped onto Instagram and saw a photographer I followed posted her birth story. From what I gathered, it sounded very similar to mine, so I was eager to read it. As I took in her words, from the long labor, desire for natural birth yet ended in a c-section, and emotions about it all, it mirrored mine so much, and I cried. It was in that moment, that I felt ready to share. It was time for me to write this out, to put it out in the world, for my own healing, and perhaps someone else’s.

My first inklings that the little man was coming into this world was over the weekend, just before we were expecting him. There were some bodily changes happening, so I was mentally preparing. Over the last 12 weeks or so, I had been studying a hypnobirthing course, to prepare for the pain since I was planning on having a natural birth in a water tub, and specifically chose a hospital that provided that (I actually wanted a home birth, however, but this was a compromise since it was our first child). We were ready to meet him.

On late Sunday/early Monday morning, just before 2am, I sent Zach a text (who was in the other room, lol), stating: “Gromit keeps whimpering and I have no idea why.” about 10 mins later, I felt my first contraction.

I prepped myself by listening to my hypnosis tracks while Zach called the hospital. They told us we had to wait until my water broke or when my contractions were closer together, because at the moment, they were about 10 mins apart. I labored about a day doing this. I vaguely remember not being able to do much that day, I can’t even remember if I ate. I could barely rest, as the minute I would fall asleep, the contractions would wake me right up and I would go into a spiral of anxiety trying to manage the pain. I will say that the hypnobirthing really helped me mentally deal with the pain when I was focused, but more than anything, I probably needed to move more. Problem was, I was totally scared. We tried making laps on our side of the block, which actually did speed up the contractions, but the pain was so intense that it scared me and I didn’t want to keep going.

At some point early morning Tuesday, as I was sitting on the birthing ball, my water broke. Looking down, I saw the trickle of liquid, which was tinged with brown. “Oh no,” I thought. It was meconium, aka poop in the womb.

We rushed over to the hospital (very uncomfortably for me), where they hooked me up to monitors and tested the baby’s vitals. Everything looked good with the baby, but the moment the nurse looked at my blood pressure print out, she grabbed it and rushed right out of the room. I remember that moment thinking – “That’s not good.” As it turned out, my blood pressure was through the roof, and after some testing, I tested positive for severe preeclampsia. For those who don’t know, it’s pregnancy induced hypertension. Because of this, they had to IV me with magnesium sulfate, so I wouldn’t have a stroke or seizure. To say that was scary would be an understatement. At the time I was surprinsgly calm about it – I was either just calm from the hypnobabies tracks or I just resigned myself to what was going on. Needless to say, because of this, I could no longer do the water birth with a midwife that I had wanted, and was switched to OB care.

They had decided to give me pitocin to speed up my labor progress because my contractions were still irregular and too far apart. If I remember correctly I was only dilated to about 5cm at that point. Over the next 24 hours, I labored and labored, and in case I would have to go into surgery, they did not allow me water or food. I felt like that was a really bad mistake — how was I supposed to gain energy to push this baby out of me? It also went against everything I had been taught – advocating for food, not getting induced, etc etc. How are you supposed to go against what they’re saying though, especially if it’s medically necessary, or so it seems? They kept telling me I could still do it naturally though, so I went with it. They also prodded me with various more sensors to test my contractions better, since they were so irregular and long (they were about 2 mins in length, when they are normally 30seconds-1min).

Throughout the process, I remember my body SHAKING. They told me this was normal, but it didn’t feel normal at all.

On Thursday morning, the OB sat down with me and gave me a talk – basically – you can keep trying, we’re giving you until this evening and then we’ll do a c-section. Or – I could just do a c-section right then. They also suggested that I get an epidural – at this point, it was almost like, well why the hell not – to help with the pain so I could rest, and allow my body to do what it needs to, and hopefully progress further along. And if I did end up going into surgery, the epidural would help with anesthesia.

So at 11am, that’s what I ended up opting to do, and still try for a vaginal birth, but I think I knew deep down it was time for a c-section. I had been trying for 80+ hours unmedicated and I was exhausted. I had eaten nothing for a few days. I couldn’t drink water. I remember being so thirsty. I think they checked my cervix and I was only at 7-9 cm (I thought it was 7, Zach insists I was at 9). So they put the epidural in me, and it was crazy how dull the pain became after that. I immediately fell asleep and was asleep for a few hours. Not only that, I had begun to have a fever, a sign that I had an infection. My memory was a bit hazy for a lot of it, but after that they checked me again, and I had made no progress. I had stalled out, and it was time to wheel me into the OR.

Throughout this entire process, I had been listening to my Hypnobabies tracks in one ear while everything was going on – and while I did feel like it helped me manage the pain, I honestly felt a little let down. I had listened to all the tracks, done everything to the best of my ability – why wasn’t I doing the natural birth that I wanted? In a way, I think I thought I could control it somehow by being mindful of this, but at the same time, I also went with everything pretty well, I felt like. I never truly felt scared throughout the process, and I’m not sure if it was the tracks or just the hormones coursing through me at that point.

After entering the OR, I vaguely remember staring up at the lights on the operating table, the hustle of everyone around me. Zach joining me, dressed in scrubs, and holding my hand. We were about to embark on getting our son into this world.

They tested me to see how numb I was, and began cutting me open. It was all really fast, speed is of the essence in c-sections. At one point, I felt my whole body being lifted off the table a few times, as they tried to pull Declan out of me. The first thing the OB says when she pulls him out was “He’s giving me a very grumpy expression!” and then, “He’s a big boy!” They then brought him over to the testing table, and he began to cry. In that moment I thought it was the sweetest sound in the world.

Zach shuffled over to where he was, and proceeded to cut the cord. I think they had brought him over to me, but it was so fast, because in the next moment, they rushed him away to make sure his lungs were okay from the meconium.

After I was patched back up, I was moved back to the labor room, and then transferred to the post partum rooms. For the next 16 hours or so, I couldn’t see him. I was still recovering, and they had to make sure he was okay. He was hooked up on tubes, and so was I. We both had a million of them coming out of us. I remember not being able to move because of the anesthesia, and I still had a catheter attached to me. I was bedridden for a day and a half it felt like. The next day, Friday, in the early afternoon, they wheeled my bed into the nursery where he was, and allowed me to have some skin to skin with my son. The whole experience was surreal, I wasn’t sure who this tiny human was that I was holding onto, and I didn’t really feel like a “mom” but over time we began to get to know one another.

I believe it was that evening when the pediatrician gave the green light for him to be released to our room. Zach grabbed the nursery bassinet and when I asked where he was going, he said “I’m going to get our son.” To which I said “That sounds so WEIRD!!” It was a surreal thought – after almost 17 years together, we now had a child.

They next few days were a blur or days and nights. I slept in 2ish hour increments, and nurses came in and out, tested my blood pressure, gave pain medication, among other things I was taking.

On Sunday, after 4 days of labor, and 3 days of postpartum, and almost a week at the hospital total, we went home. At that point, I liked saying that it felt like we went through a portal to a parallel dimension and came out with a son.

**** Post Partum

Since it’s been a year since I gave birth, looking back, the postpartum experience has been a rollercoaster. The first few weeks were intense and yet a huge blur. The night we brought him home, I remember feeling intense anxiety, and fear. I remember putting Declan down in the bassinet, and then hoping he’d sleep, because I desperately needed it. I remember waking up that morning, surprised I slept, and wondering if he was still alive. The anxiety was real. That afternoon, I made a comment about some spots in my vision, to which Zach said, “We need to go to the hospital.” We went to the ER that evening, and after some testing, it turns out the preeclampsia/hypertension had come back postpartum. Right after that, I developed a rash/hives that spread over my entire body. I joked during that period that my body HATED having a baby, and my hormones were alllll out of wack.

Being a photographer, I thought I would take more photos, but I couldn’t do anything more than an iphone shot most of the time, which felt disappointing to me. It was so easy to compare myself to all the other moms who seem to have been able to do so postpartum, but I also had to remind myself they weren’t in 4 days of labor with some serious issues along the way, so I had to give myself a lot of grace and compassion.

Over the next few months, and the next year, really, I navigated things. I learned my weaknesses, and got reacquainted with my strengths. I had to deal with my emotions about everything. I was sad & disappointed that I didn’t get the birth story I wanted. Relationships with everyone around me changed, and needed navigation as well. I saw family, friends & the whole mama community come around me, and surround me with love, meals and a listening ear those first few weeks. To which I am eternally grateful for. I honestly don’t know what I would have done without you guys.

Without a doubt, I had postpartum anxiety as well. Maybe I still do, I just started seeing a therapist for everything that happened in the last year. I share this mostly because of one thing that was glaring to me was how wholly unprepared I was for postpartum. And it wasn’t just me, after talking with other moms, it seemed to be a common thing. Many of my feelings & thoughts were so common, but no one ever talked about it.

Because of that, I wanted to share my experience, and what I’m still experiencing now. I worry that it’ll make me look weak, that I can’t handle the juggle of being a mom (or being a mom who is self employed, but that is a whole ‘nother thing!), but really, it’s just HARD. So if you just had a baby — you are not alone. Being a mom is hard. It can be incredibly isolating and it’ll test you in insane ways that you never would have anticipated. And if you were like me, you probably said while you were pregnant “I’ll figure it out! I know what I’m capable of” – ohhh boy. There are so many unforeseen factors, like hormones, how labor will go, among all the many other things you don’t yet know. I never anticipated the amount of anxiety I would feel day in and day out. The days felt endless, and I would fixate on the smallest thing because of anxiety. Most of the time it was breastfeeding (is he getting enough?), any sort of crying, and his sleep. All worries that I never thought I would freak out about, but I found myself wholeheartedly (to the bewilderment of Zach) — freaking out about. The mom guilt is real, and my anxiety shot through the roof like I had never experienced it before – especially considering how laid back I felt most of the time. I couldn’t explain WHY I was freaking out about certain things, but I was. And after talking with other mamas, this is very common.

Postpartum gobsmacked me. I hope I’m not scaring any pregnant women, but I’m just trying to be real. And after talking with many other moms, many others share the same experience. It’s just that hard. And when I posted about it on social media, I received a flood of comments, messages & texts from other mamas. If you’re in the thick of it, you totally got this. I hated this phrase, but it rings so true — it’ll get better.

In the end, I am grateful. For all the things I’ve learned, as this last year was the longest year of my life! There were a lot of ups and downs, but it provided immense growth. It not only showed me what I needed to work on, but how to be a better person, and how to be the mom I want to be. Not only that, but we have the cutest little nugget that brings joy and sunshine everyday, and that is something that is that was worth all the crazy the last year provided. <3

Maternity photos by Let’s Frolic Together

Birth photos by Mariea Rummel